Care about people’s approval, and you will always be their prisoner.’ – Lao Tzu

Everyone wants to be accepted and liked. I believe that no matter how confident a person appears to be, or strong they may feel, we all just want to be liked. If you study the evolution and history of human beings, it is clear that we strive for community. The need to belong is at the core of who we are. 

As much as we are hardwired for connection and community, it can be tough to achieve by not caring what others think. Think about the last time you were in a group project, visiting a new book club meeting, or a new social club at school. It’s common to observe those around us and self assess ourselves, wondering if we are being liked. Self-assessment is healthy, but sometimes it’s easy to fall into a rabbit hole of measuring ourselves and self-worth according to other’s standards of what we should be. 

I can’t even begin to describe how many times I’ve battled with this idea of social phobia. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America defines social phobia as “intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation.”

I went to a mixer once in LA and was trembling as I walked into a new environment wondering, “Will people like me? Will I be accepted?” As I stood around, letting these questions ruminate in my mind, I was paralyzed with fear. In moments of self-doubt and uncertainty, what is the underlying problem? How can I be so confident in certain moments and utterly vulnerable and lost in others? For me, it boils down to prioritizing what others think of me, instead of being my authentic self. 

I do think we all have moments where it is easier to be ourselves in certain situations than in others. I also believe that in moments of extreme social anxiety, it is crucial to allow for these moments to occur, assess them, and find ways to avoid them. Oprah said it best; Your life journey is about learning to become more of who you are and fulfilling the highest, truest expression of yourself as a human being. That’s why [we’re all] here.” The only way we can get on this journey is to stop worrying about what others think of us.

Here are five tips that have helped me in this pursuit that I hope are helpful to you as well. 

Self Reflect Regularly 

Self-reflection – also called introspection – is the practice of observing and analyzing oneself to grow as a person. I try to spend at least thirty minutes a day in the morning before I do anything, just to allow myself to think and self assess. Being introspective, I get to ask myself tough questions without unwanted opinion or validation. By self-reflecting, I’m able to ponder what I desire, how I handled a situation and evaluate whether my desires are in alignment with my actions. Self-reflection has given me confidence knowing that I’m taking the time to work on myself and decide who I want to be in the world. It makes it incredibly more challenging to care what others think after you’ve self-reflected and have come to reliable conclusions about your own life. 

Find Your Tribe 

I would be a fool to think that everyone is going to like me, that is not real life. When I walk into a room with my big personality, big ambitions, and loud laugh, it is going to rub some people the wrong way. That’s the fact that I learned to accept. I’ve also learned that for every one person who doesn’t like me, there are ten who do. What I’ve come to understand is how important it is to have people around you that just love you for you. 

Everyone needs a tribe. I can say with confidence that you may not be for everyone, but you are definitely for somebody. Opinions are remarkably subjective. A way to stop caring about what others think is by surrounding yourself with people who love you and accept you just as you are, having people around you that love you will give you immense confidence where you won’t even care about those who don’t. 

Find Your Elders 

As essential as it is to have friends and a tribe, it is also important to have elders. When I say, “elders,” this would be those more seasoned, mature individuals in your life who you can go to for advice and accountability. I have my friends who just love me for me, but I also have mentors and elders I can go to, that I can get sound advice from. Self-awareness is an arduous journey. It’s vital to have that balance of people who aren’t just telling you what you want to hear but are going to pull you up when you need to be. 

Practice Positive Self Talk 

Our words and thoughts have power. When we proclaim negative phrases to the world, our subconscious is listening and always takes a score. People may have their experience, their opinion, and label of you, but you must know who you are and talk to yourself as such. Try the delete and replace method. Next time a person says, “Oh, you’re such an idiot.” Stand firm and say right back to that person, “No, I’m not, I’m intelligent.” Do that in your social settings and do that when you’re alone too. You can’t give love to anyone if you don’t first possess it within. 

Accept Imperfection 

A significant factor in caring for what others think is expecting perfectionism. When we allow ourselves to make mistakes and accept them, that makes us stronger. We can say to ourselves, “Yes, I may have made that mistake, but that one mistake and that one moment doesn’t define who I am.”

In life, all we can do is grow and learn. Who has lived and not made mistakes? Nobody. Once you accept that you won’t be perfect, you won’t be so caught up in everyone else and their opinion. You can go to sleep at night knowing that you are simply trying your best and that alone is enough. No one is perfect, and you don’t have to hold yourself, hostage, into believing that you should be either. 

Conclusion

Life is a journey and one way to make life easier not to get caught in the trap of caring what others think. These tips are ones that I’m struggling to implement daily. I’m hoping that after reading this blog, you feel more empowered to break free from the prison of worrying about what other people think. Assess yourself, take these tips in, and do your best to take action. Being confident and being free can serve us all than being insecure and bound. 

Be Inspired.