Let us be more simple and less vain. Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Yesterday on Instagram, I came across a quote that said, 

“success never feels as good as you had hoped; failure never feels as bad as you had feared.” 

The quote came from Mark Manson, one of my favorite people to follow on ‘the gram.’ This statement resonated with me because I felt an emptiness these past few weeks with the release of my third book. On April 14th, 2021, my new book, ‘Halfway Thru My 20’s’ went live on Amazon. This book was by far the most challenging book to produce and took the longest. 

My first two books took about nine months to produce, and during both of those experiences, I was in school and enjoyed the many amenities that came with that luxury. I didn’t have to worry about rent; most of my meals came from a cafeteria, things were easier. With this third book, I was no longer a student in college but a college graduate attempting to be a responsible adult. While writing this book, I moved from California to Ohio and increased my responsibilities by living without my parents while we were amid a global pandemic. It took 15 months to complete this book, from writing the first word of the book to it being on Amazon.  

Throughout the strenuous process of writing the book, coordinating with my publisher, and coming up with creative ideas for the release, I kept envisioning what it would feel like when the book was actually out. When the day finally came, and the book was live, I felt nothing. I did my social media posts, called a few close friends to give them the news, and then went on about my day. Not once did I feel this incredible sense of pride, relief, or satisfaction. It was here I learned first hand how “success never feels as good as [I] had hoped”. 

I understood how hard I worked on it. I knew my intentions with the third book; I was proud of how well I wrote and curated my stories. Leading up to the release date, I thought the day the book was live on Amazon, I would feel on top of the world, and I didn’t. 

Is this new for me? 

When I recognized my dissatisfaction with a clear, well-deserved accomplishment, I began unpacking why I felt this way. I started noticing how my seemingly most significant achievements never truly brought me much joy in my life. Many Facebook likes, yes, congratulatory text messages–of course, but true joy, no.

I remembered back in 2016 when I learned that I would be an intern for The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon and how coveted that internship was, I didn’t care. The weekend before my start date, I balled my eyes out, feeling overwhelmed by the big unfamiliar city. Joy? Nope.

When I graduated from Morehouse back in 2017, the entire graduation I was ready to go and told my family to take me to Zaxby’s after the ceremony for chicken tenders. Those moments captured on social media are some of my most-liked posts but joyous? Wrong again. 

In both scenarios, I thought I would respond differently. While finishing my junior year, I thought once I got to New York City, I would become Superman and be so happy that I had that experience. It never came. Semester after semester while in undergrad, I thought my Morehouse graduation was going to be the best day ever, and it indeed wasn’t. 

I would say there are two main reasons I believe that my success never feels as good as I envision.

1. Labeling the small moments as insignificant 

After coming to this realization of success, never feeling as good as I hope, I began asking myself when do I feel my happiest. What were the times where I felt bliss, satisfaction, and joy? Shockingly it was the small moments that, in times past, I would label as insignificant or not important. My most joyous moments come from times when I’m grabbing a slice of pizza with my three best friends or times when I’m having heartfelt conversations with my mother. It’s times when I’m home alone singing karaoke to the top of my lungs. It’s the small moments for me when I find the most joy. 

I think social media has convinced us to think that the big moments with the perfect photos and captions are where we find the most joy. Facebook loves reminding me of the “big moments” with their “This Day in 2018 you got this many likes” type post. When I look at photos of me getting the job, holding my books, or in a cap and gown, of course, those posts do the best on social media but  they just don’t fulfill me in the way that one might think. For me, it’s the small moments that barely even get the post, the likes, or the caption that bring me the most joy. 

2. Operating out of EGO

I’ve learned from following Iyanla Vanzant that EGO stands for Edging God Out. When we relish in the cars we drive, the degrees we’ve earned, or accomplishments we’ve achieved, that’s living in the space of ego. It’s my ego-self that tells me my successes should bring me my most joy. It’s that nagging voice in my head that tells me I should prioritize Facebook likes and accolades over who I truly am at my essence. I never want to be a person who self-identifies with form. I’m not too fond of those moments when I’m out, and a person will introduce me as 

“Chris Sumlin, the guy who went to Morehouse, has three books and is a writer.” 

I get that people are proud and that I’ve done some incredible things, but I can think of 100 more interesting things about myself than my accolades or resume. I wish people valued how I make a concerted effort to actually remember people’s names. I’m also really good at making people laugh. I’m also a man who will sing or dance anywhere regardless of who is around. These are the interesting things that really make me special, not my successes or accolades. 

Conclusion

Moving forward, I intend to make it my goal to be humble. I plan to ignore the ever-present seducing voice that tells me to prioritize the external validation that comes with success. I now understand that success and working hard is good, but it never feels as good as I hope it does, and that’s okay. I will make it my mission to appreciate the small moments, practice gratitude, and keep my ego in check. Regardless of what I accomplish, obtain or do in the world, I plan to keep things in perspective and enjoy life as it comes. I hope that this candid story brought forth some illuminating ideas for you to reflect on and inspires you to keep things in perspective. 

Be Inspired.