“Good fences make good neighbors” means that people will get along better if they establish boundaries.”

Boundaries are essential to living a life of peace; they help protect us from being violated in our daily interactions. I recently went plant shopping at Lowe’s for the first time. Upon browsing the plants, I saw that every one of them had instructions on treating it to make sure that the plant remained healthy. Some plants require more watering and sunlight than others, but each plant had clear instructions on how it needed to be nurtured to grow. Boundaries in our personal lives are just like those instructions on the plants. 

Personal boundaries serve as guidelines to show precisely how we desire to be treated in our interactions. Boundaries set limits; they help us decide who is worthy of our time, effort, and energy. I’ve struggled with setting boundaries. There are moments when I feel like I have wasted my time, effort, and energy on something or someone that wasn’t worthy of it because I didn’t set boundaries at that moment. We can’t assume that everyone knows how we want to be treated. We must be like the plants at Lowes and provide clear instructions on how we want to be treated in our relationships by creating those boundaries. Upon deep reflection, I have some practical ways that I have worked to set boundaries in my life that I hope can be helpful to you too. 

 1. Express Preferences

Communicating wants and desires is a straightforward way to set boundaries. Merely stating your preferences will decrease the chances that people will violate you. For example, I’m not a night person at all. I pride myself on being “early to bed and early to rise”. In my relationships, I often express that I prefer not to be called after a particular hour. My sleep is important to me, and my mind just isn’t as sharp as in the mornings. By clearly stating what I prefer, people rarely call me after hours because I’ve made it clear what I desire in my life. 

Don’t be afraid to take moments to share how you feel about people and the experiences you share with them. No one can read your mind; you have to honor yourself enough to speak up for what you desire and prefer. It doesn’t take a full production or speech to express how you feel; just let it come naturally and communicate as best you can. 

2. Learn To Say No

Learning to say no can be incredibly difficult. I’ve struggled with the disease to please and wanting to be liked by all I’ve encountered. I’ve learned from experience that saying no and being kind to myself is far more rewarding than saying yes to someone knowing that whatever is being asked of me isn’t something I truly desire to do. We all do our best work when we are all in mind, body and soul. I’ve learned to say no and honor my boundaries and have experienced more peace as a result.

Some practical ways to say no are:

“No, thank you.”

“No, I can’t do that.”

“Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t.”

Learning to say no is hard but, like many other things, gets easier or time with practice. 

3. Remove people from your life

When you’ve expressed time and time again what you prefer, and it is still not heard or respected, it is okay to remove people from your life. Every single one of us is only given a certain amount of time in our lives. It should go without saying that time is one of the most valuable assets that any of us have. If people aren’t going to respect you enough to honor your boundaries, respect yourself enough to remove from them your life. 

Removing people can look like unfollowing someone from social media, not going out with a person for lunch, or disengaging with the person altogether. There is no singular way to remove people from your life; just do what feels natural for you. 

4. Take Time For Yourself

None of us can pour from an empty glass. To show up in the world in a meaningful and effective way, we have to make sure that we fill our cups and keep our cups full. We often think that if we give and give, it somehow makes us better people, but unfortunately, this thinking is self-sabotaging. A practical way that I have learned to set boundaries for myself is to prioritize “me-time”. Time where I get to reflect, study and just Be. During that time, I’m not easily accessible; I don’t allow people to call me or disturb my flow. Taking time for myself allows me to stay in tune, more present, and useful. 

How often do you take time for yourself? Do you ever go for a drive with no music, take 10 minutes in the morning with no electronics? That “me time” is crucial to get to know yourself and what you desire for your life. I highly recommend cultivating me time as much as possible, whether 5 minutes or two days; we all deserve time for ourselves when we can just Be. 

5. Set Consequences When Boundaries Are Violated

Life is full of rules. Whether in traffic, at work, or a friend’s house, rules are everywhere and must be followed. When rules are not followed, some consequences must be enforced as a result. I’m not too fond of disrespect of any sort in my home. I don’t do racial slurs, bullying, or any physical confrontations in my home. Whenever someone comes to my home disrespecting me or anyone around, they are not welcome over. The boundary is that disrespect will not be tolerated; the consequence is if you cross that boundary, you will not be allowed over for that poor behavior. 

When you have concluded your boundaries, make sure you have consequences in mind for when they are crossed. A consequence can be a break from someone, no longer allowing them to borrow money, or whatever you deem necessary. Bad behavior gone unchecked can ruin a relationship. When someone doesn’t honor your boundaries, make sure you correct that poor behavior by enforcing a clear consequence.